The Ability to Sense Ass

Rump-dar: The ability to sense a nice, ample rump from 500 yards away.

Yes, my dear husband told me last night that he has great rumpdar. That he can just sense a nice booty. As though it's his special power. Who am I to argue?

(Yeeeaaaaah, I'm sensing a great rump right now. I can't see it, but I know it's close.)

Update

You know the neighbors I wrote about last weekend? Well the broken down truck is gone, and has been replaced with a Corvette. Are you shitting me? Meth lab, I swear.

Ho-leeeeeee Crap and TMI

I realized about noon today that my monthly visitor had not made her appearance. And she always appears at the same time, same day, every month. With. Out. Fail. By four this afternoon, I was frantic. You know what my first thought was......shit, I made a baby, shit, shit, shit. Shit. But, I guess she was just feeling slugglish, kinda like me, cause she's here. And I'm breathing again.

Thank you

It's nice to know so many of you have my back. The whole thing was a huge misunderstanding, there were apologies and everything is fine. I went to pilates and the grocery store, watched an episode of Scrubs (that's our current Nexflix choice) which I LOVE (Hellooooo JD), did a crossword and went to bed at 10:30. I'm feeling much better this morning. Now let's hope nobody goes and screws it up. I want to have a happy humpday. And really, I just wanted to say hump.

I hope you all have a lovely day. And seriously, if you ever get into a street fight a la Anchorman, I got your back, too.

Trapped

I am so annoyed, confused and angry right now I could scream. Or cry. I'm shaking and THIS close to giving someone a piece of my mind. And if I did, I would get fired. Then I wouldn't have a job and the mortgage wouldn't get paid. So I sit here, angry, and do nothing except fight back tears of frustration. Why can't everyone just do what they want for a living and make enough money to live comfortably? It would make the world a much better place.

Shut Up

Dear Rude Ass Neighbors:

We woke up at 4:20 this morning to the AWESOME sounds of partying in your backyard. Which is literally 6-7 feet from our bedroom window. You had a fire going (which, I might add, is totally unnecessary in Texas in June) and you were LOUD. I mean MOTHERFUCKING LOUD. Laughing, fighting, crying....I couldn't tell. After about 20 minutes I realized you weren't just out there for a smoke break, so I called 311 (non-emergency emergency) on your asses. Yes, that was me. And I stood in the bathroom peeking out the window in hopes of seeing you get busted. The cop came about 5 am and I could hear him tell you guys that PEOPLE ARE SLEEPING. Do you not comprehend that partying outside at 4 am is unacceptable? I know you are Australian, and I LOVE a good accent as much as the next lady, but IT'S NOT CUTE OR SEXY AT 4AM.

Let me explain since you obvoisly haven't grasped this yet.

This neighborhood was built in the early 70s and many of the original homeowners remain. They are in their 60s. It is a really quiet neighborhood which is why we love it. So STOP FUCKING HAVING PARTIES AT 4am. It's rude and it's annoying. Get some fucking manners...And one more thing, despite the fact that I KNOW you exist, I've never actually seen you. Is your house a meth lab? Are you laundering money through your "building company"? And about that. Do you really need 4 vehicles and a trailer? You continue to park in front of our house and THAT is also starting to piss me off because when I look out my front window, I see this (the orange car on the right that you can barely see is theirs too):

Or this:

Hey guess what. That truck hasn't sold in over a year, so you might want to give up the dream. And that white trailer just annoys the crap out of me (what you can't see in the picture is that there is another red truck on the street on the other side of the trailer).

In conclusion, you're loud, weird and take up too much space. I want you to acquire a fence door and remove the dishwasher from the side of your house. You are bringing down the value of your home and mine. Yeah, let's work on that.

Regards,

Your Pissy yet Sweet Neighbor and her Equally Annoyed Husband

You Better Watch Out...

Cause here comes my new body. Let me explain, I'm not getting new boobs. I had dinner with the fabulous Lucky the other night. She is a really talented photographer, and she's going to take NAKED PHOTOS of me. I'm planning this as a gift for a certain someone *cough, cough*. No, they're for my HUSBAND you dirty-minded hags. Anyhoo, I scheduled the photo session in August so that I have a little less than two months to get my bod into rockin' shape. This should be interesting since I've never had what one might consider a rockin' bod.......and the closer I get to 30 the slower my metabolism seems to get......and I'm on a steroid that "could cause significant weight gain".

Whatevs.

I'm hopeful! I can do it! I want to be healthy! I only want to lose 10-15 pounds! I can do it, right? RIGHT? TELL ME I'M RIGHT!

So here's where I am with this whole "rockin' body" thing. I'm not denying myself any food (except for things like free doughnuts which we have 5 boxes of at work this morning), but I am practicing portion control which is hard for me because I can EAT! A lot! More than my husband! He's 6'1"! I'm 5'2"! It's quite freakish actually. And I'm strangely proud of it.

I am walking the dogs every day because they deserve it, and it's a good extra 30-40 minutes of cardio for me. See? I'm smart, too. Killing 2 birds with one sweaty stone. I'm either waking up and going to the gym (which hasn't happened yet...SHUT UP) or riding my bike which I did Wednesday morning. I went to pilates last night AND did the elliptical machine for 30 minutes AND walked the dogs. I came home and my husband had made brownies. Shit, shit, shit. I ate ONE SERVING. Do you know how hard that is?? I do cause I did it. And it was hard. Like really hard. I woke up this morning and walked the dogs at 6:20, and I'm going to walk 4 miles around the lake with my sister this evening. Whew. I WILL do this.

I am determined to do this, not only for the NAKED PHOTOS but because I want to be healthy. And I've found that the more I work out, the more energetic (and calmer) I am. I don't want to be a slug that sits around on the couch (I AM part slug btw. It's a documented fact). I want to be active and healthy and take pride in my body because, I hate to be cliche, you really do only get one body in this lifetime. I'm trying to make nice with my body because I smoked for 10 years, and did some serious partying. I was a terrible ho to my body for a long time. So, in summary, I want to look good in the NAKED PHOTOS and I also want to be around for a long time. Wish me luck. Hold me accountable. If I post about wanting to give up, tell me you won't be my friend anymore. That should do it....or send me into a brownie eating shame spiral. It's a 50-50 chance, really.

Because You Never Get to See Them....

I know that I have subjected you to numerous photos of my dogs over the past year, but rarely do I give you my cats. So here you go. Photos of the momma, Sasha, and her baby, Sonja (the sick one). You can thank me later:

What? What's that you say?. Didn't quite catch their cuteness the first time around? Hmmm, well take a closer look:

Yeah, they'll kill you with cuteness. It almost breaks my heart. Almost. Then momma will wake up and scratch your eyes out while "the baby" will poop on the floor. Literally. I'm not joking. Sigh. I guess they can't be cute ALL the time.

I would have also given you a photo of our other cat Diabla, but she is outside, probably killing a bird or pooping in the front flower bed. Other than a terrible game of Scrabble, you're looking at my Friday night. Goodnight and good evening.

P.S. So I guess I'm still blogging. The cats willed me to do it. It's all their fault!!! Blame them if you must blame someone.

To Blog or Not to Blog

I have thought many times about getting rid of my blog. I think a lot of us have either wanted to quit or start over with a more anonymous profile. If I knew then what I know now, I would have done so many things differently with this blog. Like not tell certain people about it. I still go back and forth about telling my parents about my blog, but I don't because know I would censor myself even more than I already do. This post and this post are great thoughts on some reasons why blogging can suck, and can safely say I have felt some of their feelings. There are so many times that I just can't come up with anything good to write about, or I've been on the computer all day at work, and I just can't bear to sit in front of the computer at home, too. I really love reading blogs, but sometimes the commenting seems like work, even though I really want to comment. I just don't always have time to be as thorough as I would like. Thoughts? Feelings? Comments (hee hee, yes that was supposed to be funny)?

Grody to the Max

I have a sort of love/hate thing going on with meat (insert immature laughing here).

It started at a young age when I was designated the "hard spot finder in ground beef" in the family. Every time my mom cooked with ground beef, I would always find some gristle-y, boney piece of nastiness. I knew I didn't like it, but as a kid, you kinda eat what is given to you. I also grossed out hard when I found some sort of veiny looking thing in chicken, but that wasn't as bad as the hard spots in the beef.

A few years ago, I finally decided not to eat beef or pork anymore. Basically, I found the thought of ingesting the skeletal muscle of cute barnyard animals, well, gross. After about a year, I took chicken and turkey out of the equation, too. So there was lots of fish, tofu and dairy being eaten in the Nappy household. (Don't get me wrong, my husband is a big ole meat eater, except for chicken. It gives him the heebs, too.)

After a year or so of that, I just felt like I needed more protein, so I went back to eating chicken and turkey. All has been well, except today, when I bit into a NASTY piece of chicken in my Lean Cuisine Chicken Fettucine Alfredo. I almost gagged at the texture. I spit it out and mistakenly SAW it which grossed me out even more. So, folks, I think I'm going to have to give it up again. It just sicks me out toooo much.

Here's my dilemma. I think too much dairy contributes to my break-outs. And I really think I tend to eat more sugar when I'm not eating as much protein. Anyone have any bright ideas? I'm tired of thinking about it today.

All About ME, ME, ME

Thanks SFG for giving me the idea for this post.

TxMom asked: If someone gave you $10,000 and told you that you MUST spend it on yourself (not charity, not gifts, not house stuff), what would you do with it?
Well, I would follow in the footsteps of What Not to Wear, and spend a few grand on clothes. Good clothes. And shoes. I would take a really nice trip for a few weeks with my husband, somewhere we could take our dogs with us. With half the money left, I would spend the rest on starting my masters degree.

Wendy asked: Hmmm. I've been wondering about your mention of shoes in your profile. What's the most you've ever paid for a pair of shoes?
Great question, and funny you should ask. I just had a conversation with my good friend E about how much we'll spend on shoes. I am a HUGE bargain hunter, so the most I've ever spent is probably $80 for boots. My latest bargain was a pair of camel Nine West wedges on clearance at Ross for $17.99. I don't like spending over $30 on shoes unless they're a wardrobe staple (good black pumps or boots). I hope that wasn't disappointing.

TBG asked: If you had kids what would you name them?
If we have a girl, Addison May or Addison Ann. (Family names). If it's a boy, Simon or Max. The Rockstar and I agree on the girl's names, but he has vetoed the boy names.

Shangie asked: Have you ever "been with" or made out with a woman? You had to know that would be our question;) And then Kami asked: OOOOOOHHHH, I second Shangie's question.
Nope!! Not even one little kiss! I do have crushes on Elizabeth Hurley and Evangeline Lilly, so if I ever meet them, who knows!! I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind.

HollowSquirrel asked: ok seriously people. How can you follow that question? My "who is your favorite Harry Potter character" just seems so lame now...
Not lame at all!! I LOVE Harry Potter. Harry is actually my favorite character. So humble and sweet :) I love his goofiness, but he's not as disheveled as Ron. (Just FYI, HollowSquirrel is my new favorite blog right now so check her out!) (Oh, and HollowSquirrel? JACK IS MINE!!!! Don't you forget it.)

Isabel asked: Um...what's your favorite kind of Hostess Pie?
Oh my, I haven't had one in a really long time, but I'm going to have to go with cherry. I loves me some cherry pie. I like the Warrant song too, but that's a different post altogether.

Lori asked: If money were no object, what job would you want?
I would love to work at a no-kill shelter. I adore animals and would have at least 5 dogs if I had the space, time and money. I already have the heart.

Amy asked: Where in the world would you like to go on your next vacation?
Definitely a beach somewhere I've never been like Fiji or the Bahamas. Someplace like TKW just went in Mexico wouldn't be half bad, either. I love the slow pace of a beach community.

SFG asked: If you could change lives with someone just for a day, who would it be and why?
Please don't expect anything deep because this is going to sound shallow. I would like to be someone really, really rich that doesn't work for it but not someone who is chased around by paparazzi. I would like to know if it feels as shallow as it looks to most people or if it is as great as I imagine it.

Sweatpantsmom asked: Where did NapQueen and Queen of Napville come from? Do you like to nap? Do you nap frequently? If so, do you prefer napping in bed or on the couch? With Oprah on or off? Before or after the afternoon cocktail? Okay, I'm done.
I truly love a good nap. In the bed. Without Oprah. Definitely in the afternoon, and usually not after a cocktail, unless I'm on vacation. I have loved napping since I was a teen. (Ironically, I hated it as a child, and would do anything to get out of it. I think I caused my mom a lot of heartache.) I love sleeping in a semi-dark room, AC blowing (aka summertime), two pillows, a down comforter and preferably a dog or two snuggled with me. I really love it when I sleep so hard that I wake up disoriented about time and location. And 10-30 minute naps don't count. Uh-uh. I won't accept anything under an hour and a half. More points for drooling. In fact, I'm drooling right now just thinking about it. Okay, I'm off to sleep.

Thanks for playing everyone!!

Copy Cat

I'm totally copying my girl SFG. Ask me anything you want in the comments section, and I will try to answer as honestly as possible. Please play!! This will be fun, I swear!!

Goodbye and Good Luck

Tomorrow is my boss' last day. I am S-A-D. I consider her not only my supervisor, but my friend. I can tell her about the cute things my pets do, when I'm annoyed with a co-worker, or ask her for help with any project comes that comes along. She is, to be blunt, AWESOME. Again, I am sad. She got an incredible opportunity to move up north to do what she does best, and I couldn't be more happy or excited for her. Having lived in C-town for a very short time, I really think she is going to love it. And her cutey-pie kids are going to love it too because they get to see snow, REAL LIVE SNOW! It's our firm's loss and I hope they know it. I won't go into detail, because I don't want to get dooced, but we are soooo screwed without her. My daily work routine is going to be so strange come Monday. There is going to be this gaping hole. I'm going to miss talking shoes, co-workers, legitimate work projects, clothes, husbands, kids, and pets with her. She's one of the most real, fun, funny, sarcastic people I have ever met, and I will miss her. A lot. So L, here's to you *raising my glass (seriously, I'm drinking wine)*, you will be TERRIBLY missed. And don't think I won't be coming to visit because I will. Sooner than you think. I'm just a few vodka sodas, 3 Xanax and one flight (or six if I fly Southwest) away from being in there! Take care. We miss you already.

Nature is a Ho

This morning, as my husband was leaving for work, I heard all sorts of squawking coming from the front yard. I peeked out the front door and saw two birds flying around our trees and making a huge racket. And when I say huge, I mean LOUD AS SHIT.

Exhibit A: Mama or Papa Bird:

I also saw my cat in the front flower bed looking quite scared and trying to make a break for it.
Exhibit B: Diabla (sorry, I couldn't get one of her in the front yard):


You see, a baby bird had fallen out of its warm, comfy nest and our darling cat was most likely about to eat it. My husband saved it just in time. He picked it up with a paper towel (even though you can touch baby birds, apparently birds don't have a very well developed sense of smell), put it back in the tree and headed off to work. I herded our cat inside and even though she was glad to be rid of the dive-bombing birds, she was meowing at the top of her lungs because she knew there was a baby bird outside ripe for the eatin'. I realize that's nature, but sometimes nature is a crack whore you'd rather not deal with.

To make a long story short, I glanced out the window and there lay the paper towel on the ground. Crappity crap. I went out there (in my piggy pajamas), put him/her in a bowl and put it back in the tree. (Sidenote: About this time, I looked up to see my Harley riding, braided hair, bandana wearing, ZZ Top looking neighbor looking at me. Um, yeah dude, don't judge. Pig pajamas are AWESOME especially when you're not wearing a bra. Whatever.) Anyway, the bird immediately flew/flopped out of the bowl and on to the ground. Shit. This time I put it in one of our flower pots so it would be closer to the ground...mind you, the parent birds were flying overhead and making a racket the entire time. They were NOT happy that someone was messing with their kid.

Exhibit C: CUTE ASS BABY BIRD:

OMG, it was breaking my heart even though, in this photo, it appears to be looking at me with total disdain, as if to say,"Feed me you crazy ass bitch. After all, it was YOUR cat that almost devoured me feet and all." It would just look up at me and throw its mouth open as if I had a stash of random worms and bugs to toss in the gaping, weird, rubber-band-looking mouth hole.

When I left for work, it was no where to be seen. I choose to believe he learned to fly and went back to the nest. Yes ma'am, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Cute, huh?

So I changed my template. It was about time, I know. Thanks to Miss Zoot. Her templates are soooo cute. And I also know that the posts are down at the bottom. Eh. I'll get around to fixing that later. Right now I'm about to leave work and face 95 degree weather and a car with a black interior. Good times.

*Okay, the posts look right to me now. Let me know if something looks funky to you. I appreciate it :)

* I tried pasting my Flickr badge code into my template, and it moved my entire sidebar over to the left side. Why did it do that? Any thoughts or ideas?