Quote for the Week

"Easy is an adjective used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man." - Nancy Linn-Desmond

Now, I have no idea who this "Nancy" person is, I stole this from my very disappointing "Wild Words from Wild Women" daily calendar. This is one of the best quotes so far and we're in October people. I am not a man hater, but I think this quote is DEAD ON. I hate the "women are sluts, men are macho" double standard. Bleh.

Slamming Doors and Throwing Cakes

So, tomorrow is Halloween which means we have a party at work (TKW, this year it's the Plaza party instead of the Records party). I'm hoping the roaches make an appearance for some good Halloween fun.

I volunteered to bring a cake, so spent my afternoon buying groceries and items to make the cake. Then I spent MORE time actually making the cake. It came out of the oven smelling wonderful, and I set it on a plate to cool. After coloring the cream cheese frosting green and frosting the cake, I sprinkled some chocolate chips on the top for good measure. Then I STUPIDLY left the kitchen...

Enter the perp, Doc:

From my chair in the office, I hear my husband say, "NNNOOOOOOOOOO, Doc! Get down, NNNOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! Fuck! STOP it!"

Oh that's just fucking fabulous. I run into the kitchen to find the icing cleanly licked off one entire side of the cake. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!! I was so pissed. Before I could even think I grabbed the plate stormed to the trash can outside and threw it out, slamming every possible door behind me. Had I had my blogging wits about me, I would have calmed down for a second to take a photo of the half-licked cake. Here is what it looked like in the trash (note: you're seeing the bottom and part of the unlicked side of the cake). You were a good bundt cake. R.I.P.:

And here's the plate:

Not that the plate really matters, I just threw in the photo for good measure.

Needless to say, I spent all that time and money making a cake that is now in the trash and will be making its way to the landfill while I am picking up a goddamn cake at H.E.B. that I could have just bought while I was buying groceries this afternoon. FUCK.

I need a nap.

Letter to my Dear Husband

Dear My Love-

You do so many wonderful things for me. You scoop the poop in the litterboxes 99.99% of time, you unload the dishwasher 98.76% of the time, you clean up animal messes 97.99% of the time, and you mow the lawn and take out the trash 100% of the time. You tell me I'm beautiful and hot and you like playing Scrabble with me. You are sweet. I know this and I love you, I really do. (Plus you're not too shabby in the looks department).

That being said, when we make plans to have a nice dinner together on a Friday night, please don't eat lunch at 2 p.m. in the afternoon. And when I call you at 5:30 as I'm leaving work (note: starving because I ate lunch at noon knowing we were having dinner together) to figure out where we are going for dinner, do NOT, I repeat, DO NOT casually tell me that you are not hungry and probably won't be because you ATE AT TWO and no longer want to eat dinner at a normal hour. This will make me angry resulting in a surge of road rage in the horrible Austin traffic making the 30 minute, six mile drive from work to home SEEM LIKE AGES BECAUSE I'M FUCKING STARVING AND WAS PLANNING ON EATING PASTA AND DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE. I will probably give at least one person the finger and will yell alone in my empty car when some asshole cuts me off in stop-and-go traffic.

Take note, this could have been the reason for the quite frosty shoulder you felt when I got home from my lovely afternoon stuck in traffic.

I think I've made myself clear. So where are you taking me for dinner tomorrow night?

Love,
Your Loving Nap Queen

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Update, Saturday Morning: After a great night of sleep and coffee brought to me in bed my my darling husband, all is right in the world. Can you tell I get cranky when I'm hungry?

Oh the Gas...

I came across the following photos the other day, and they're just too good not to share. About a year ago, my sister and I captured this specimen on film while driving back from a weekend at the beach.


We tried not to let it see us, as we were sure its aggressiveness level was high and that's its owner was full of rage. Luckily, we collected the photographic evidence without incident. I can't even imagine the gas mileage this creature gets. I'm thinking single digits? Not to mention its owner's penis size. Now that's just sad.

Sure to Sick You Out

If any of you were grossed out by Dunkin's post about the feet she saw on the plane coming home from Vegas, you must check out the foot photo my sister took while getting a pedicure. Check out her blog, BWAT. Weak stomachs need not apply.

Are You Kidding Me?

Apparently Ye Olde Crazy Bushie wants The Onion to stop using the presidential seal on their website. Seriously? Come now. What's next? No more presidential skits on SNL or Mad TV? Stop being a big, dumb bully. You're not entitled to have whatever you want, whenever you want it.

Longer School Days?

I listen to NPR on the way to work every morning, and I heard a particularly interesting story this morning. I don't have kids, so I thought I throw this one out there for all you parents.

Here's the headline from NPR's website:

Massachusetts Schools Try Out Longer Days
by Anthony Brooks
Morning Edition, October 26, 2005 · Massachusetts is the first state giving out grants to school districts to pursue a longer school day -- and 20 districts have applied for the money. Murphy Middle School in Boston is already experimenting with a longer day, offering help with homework and extra curriculum until late in the evening.

So the crux of the story is that the kids would be going to school (some already are) until 6 p.m., but they could take part in the following: tutoring, reading and math classes, dance classes, piano and violin lessons, sports and foreign language classes such as French and Japanese. Most of the kids who are currently participating are from low income families, but earn some of the highest reading scores in the city.

One argument for the longer school day is that there isn't enough time in a regular 6 hour school day to prepare children for the newer, harder standardized testing. Another argument is that school calendars in the U.S. are based on an agrarian calendar when only about 2% of the population are "engaged in the agriculture".

I'm not sure how I feel about it. I sure had fun coming home from school and playing outside or watching TV, but I wonder how I might be different now had I gone to school until 6 every evening. I certainly would have been more prepared for working a 9-5 job, and I might have ended up with better skills as an adult. I might even be truly bilingual now if I had been immersed in another language from the time I was in elementary school. Who knows?

What do you think?

Random Saturday

Today was the most gorgeous Texas day. Not very fall-like, but very much like a beautiful spring day, so I finally did some spring cleaning. We dusted everything, vacuumed out window sills and screens, changed the shower liner, etc... I also got all the Halloween decorations put up, and since we don't have kids, that really just means a wreath outside and some cute candle holders. Here's a photo of the front of the house. If you look closely, you'll see a fall wreath on the left and a Halloween "Welcome" sign on the right:



While spring cleaning, I also came across a tacky vacation photo. I normally don't do stuff portrait Friday, but I thought this fit right into the tacky photo category. The thing I love about this picture is that the rockstar's hand is on my knee, but it looks like he's feeling up the frog and really happy about it. It also looks like the frog is trying to do something inappropriate to me :



And one last random photo. During the cleaning fest, I dusted and aired out the gorgeous bamboo that TKW gave me before she moved up north. It's doing great! Sorry about the dark photo.



Happy Saturday!

That's Gross

I love watching surgery on TV, checking out all of CSI's fake bodies in various states of decomp., and poop/fart jokes. I love to read about serial killers (the sicker the better), I'll clean up my animals' accidents, and I'm mildly fascinated by mold growing on things in the fridge. I love frogs, lizards and (unless they're poisonous) snakes. Mice and rats? Like them too.

Smell something stinky and need to find the source? I'm your gal!

Want to watch the poop scene in Dumb & Dumber? I'm there!

Have a gross rash you want me to check out? Bring it on!

I'm really not very girly when it comes to gross things. It takes a lot to gross me out.

So what grosses me out, you ask?

Numero uno on the list is vomiting. Vomiting, seeing someone else vomit or smelling vomit-GROSS. I will go to great lengths to stay away from vomit---probably partially why I don't have kids. Gals, I won't hold your hair back, and I don't expect you to hold back mine. You got shitfaced, so you're on your own. I can count the times I have vomited on ONE hand (plus one finger), and I can only hope that it never goes any higher.

This is making me nauseous just talking about it, so I'm going to stop.

What grosses you out?

T.V. Junkie? Check!

I'll admit it, I am a T.V. junkie. Anyone who really knows me can you tell you that. My mom was picky about what we were allowed to watch (read: NO CABLE), but not about how much we could watch, so I grew up watching to my heart's content. I'm currently into quite a few shows which I try to watch every week. I really need (not want, need) TiVo. Badly.

So here's the list:

Desperate Housewives (this season does NOT suck, BTW)
Nip/Tuck (I'm sort of a half-ass faithful watcher)
Martha Stewart Apprentice
2 1/2 Men
Law & Order SVU
Celebrity Fit Club (Trust me, watching Janie Lane from Warrant get sober while running in a giant plastic ball is riveting stuff people)
VHI - I Love the ___'s, Best Week Ever
E! - The Soup

That's about it right now. I used to watch Friends and Everybody loves Raymond, but alas....they are no more.

Am I an addict? I think so. Do I care? Not really.

What do y'all watch?

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Edit: D.U.H. - I LOVE the original CSI. Could watch it all day long.

We've Come So Far

I babysit for a family I have known for 5-6 years. The kids (two girls ages 9 & 10) were in my preschool class, and their dad got me my current job at the law firm. Anyway, last night I remembered an experience I had with them, and I thought I'd share it with you.

The three of us were watching an ABC Family movie about the trials and tribulations of fitting in when you're the new kid in town. There were the typical high school lunch room cliques, the jocks, the popular girls, the nerds, but there was an added bonus: there was a "gay" table. It was filled with gay high school boys. And they were considered cool.

First realization things have progressed. ABC family movies feature gay teens!!! Yippeee!!!

So the movie goes on, and the 10-year-old I'm babysitting says, "Why is that guy acting that way?" (one of the characters was a bit prissy.) Her younger sister says, "Oh, he's gay. He likes other boys." The older sister says, "Oh, okay." End of story. No saying it's wrong, no saying it's gross, just the simple truth---he's gay.

Second realization. This kid not only knows what "gay" means, but it's OKAY with her.

I don't know about you, but sex between a man and a WOMAN was not talked about in my family. I know for a fact gay people were never a topic of conversation in our house. I feel quite certain if it had been a topic, we would have been told it was wrong, immoral and nasty. My parents are great, don't get me wrong, but homosexuality is a touchy subject.

I know this was an isolated incident, but in that moment, I thought maybe, just maybe, if these kids are any indication of what's going on in this country, things might be headed in the right direction. A girl can hope, can't she?

Grammar Pet Peeve

I grew up with an English teacher for a mom, so having my grammar corrected was a way of life. Not that my grammar is even close to perfect, BUT I'd like to share my HUGEST grammar pet peeve of the moment.

"Please call myself or Jane when you get a chance."

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! PLEASE, stop with the incorrect usage of "myself". In the above sentence you should be able to take out "or Jane" and have the sentence make sense.

"Please call myself when you get a chance."

Doesn't make sense does it? The correct answer is "me" not "myself".

"Please call me or Jane when you get a chance."

I know this is probably the most boring post ever, but I heard a man on the Today show this morning who used "myself" incorrectly about 3 times in one minute, and I was screaming at the TV (I need to get a life, I know).

Please don't hold this post against ME or my mom.

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Edited 7am Wednesday:

Norman is correct in her comment. It should read "Please call Jane or me when you get a chance." Thanks Norm!!! But whatever you do people, don't use "myself"!!

Lunchtime Confession

I'm sitting here eating my Lean Cuisine (mmmm, I know you're jealous) and I just thought I needed to share the following....

I don't like the Beatles.
Or the Rolling Stones.
Or Pink Floyd.
Or Led Zepplin.

And I only like a handful of Elvis songs.

And there are many more---I just can't think of them right now.

Eeeek! What is wrong with me? Everytime I hear someone talk about the greatness of any of these bands, I secretly gag. Are there other Stones haters out there, or am I just an anomaly?

I married a musician who owns over 1000 CDs, and not one of those CDs is from the list above. I guess it was just meant to be.

(Sidenote: I also hate Cheryl (Sheryl?) Crow's music and think it's annoying that she and Lance Armstrong are together. Uh oh, I can hear the angry Austin mob coming for me........)

Happy Hour?

It's Friday and I'm off to Happy Hour with my 3 best friends in the entire world (other than my sister), one of whom is 3 months pregnant. This is my first official happy hour with a pregnant best friend. I thought I would be really selfishly disappointed when my friends started having kids. Instead, I'm finding out that I'm truly ecstatic for them and can't wait to be an aunt. And no, this doesn't mean I want my own, I'm just really happy for those who do.

You Wanna Make Me Angry?

Then put the following flyer on my car for me to find after a long day at work:




Hmmmm, their worst enemy is "if you blow this off and not bother to vote"? I thought it was the GAYS. I thought you had to "protect your children and grandchildren's future" from the GAYS, the big busload of GAYS that are coming to town to vote. So how exactly are the homosexual activists endangering these people's children and grandchildren? Sigh. I will never understand this. For the love of all that is holy, if I see YOU put another flyer on my car I WILL rip the flyers out of your god fearing, gay hating, closet porn loving, cold, wrinkly hands and throw them in the nearest puddle. Stay away from my gay loving Civic. Goodnight, my work here is done.

Memories, From the Corners of My Mind...

So, on a preliminary inspection, I couldn't find any good homecoming photos, so I'm going to have to do some digging tonight to see if I can drum up something. While you wait (ha ha, I KNOW you're waiting), I thought I'd post some photos from out recent trip to New Mexico.


Here is the rockstar "sleeping" while driving. Yes we are dorks, and yes we like to take silly photos.




Our cabin (top photo) and the main cabin (bear photo). The rockstar said he could survive just fine in our efficiency cabin. Yeah, but honey, where would all of my shoes go?


A deer seen on one of our scenic drives.





Views from our hiking trip.


Me and the rockstar "hanging" out (sorry, I just couldn't resist) at the cabins.

Check back later for Wayback photos!

The Most Random Observation

On my way to work this morning, I saw a woman walking her dog in the downtown area. The dog squatted to poo, and instead of picking up the poo after the dog was finished, the woman held the plastic bag under the poor dog's hiney and actually caught the poo before it ever hit the ground. I thought to myself, "Self, why am I watching this?" I guess it was mildly amusing (the way she had to contort herself to catch the poo) and a little bit impressive. Now if only she could train him to go in the toilet.....

I'm Back in Black!

Okay, seriously, I'm not a huge ACDC fan, but I am wearing black because I'm back from vacay (that's vacation, y'all), and I'm sad. It has been a crazy week, so I don't know that I'll be able to go back and comment on all your blogs, but I'm trying to at least read everything so I get caught up. Here's what happened:

Wednesday, September 28th, 2:00 AM - Power in our house goes out. I wake up to an eerily silent and pitch black house. I am used to computer, ceiling fan and air conditioner noises. There is nothing, nada, zilch. I can't go back to sleep because of the deafening silence. Power comes back on at 5 AM.

Thursday, September 29th, 7:00 PM - We are leaving for vacation tomorrow, so naturally I'm preparing to wash clothes, pack, etc. I'm eating dinner and decide to watch Joey and Will & Grace first.

Thursday, September 29th, 7:41 PM - I'm about 11 minutes into the live season premiere of Will & Grace. Power goes out. Again, nothing, nada, zilch. Silence. CRAP. My husband had clothes in the washer and dryer. CRAP. I haven't packed or done laundry. Hmmmm, I'm sure it will come on soon? I decide to run some last minute trip errands since I can't see much in our house anyway.

Thursday, September 29th, 8:45 PM - Get home from running errands. Still no power. Now it's really dark and starting to heat up in the house due to no AC and all the candles we have lit. Decide packing by candle light not safe. I could drip wax on clothes or start a fire.

Thursday, September 29th, 9:30 PM - Getting REALLY bored. Can't watch TV, can't listen to the radio, can't read by candlelight (my eyes are getting bad), can't sing, can't blog, can't surf the internet........so I pack by flashlight. This is really hard, BTW.

Thursday, September 29th, 10:30 PM - Okay, now it's really steamy in the house. It's humid, hot and starting to smell like dog. We have the windows open, but there is no breeze. Surely the power will come back on soon? I call the power company and leave a power outage notice on the automated system. Husband and I realize why people in the olden days have so many kids. Uh, there wasn't much to do but get it on.

Friday, September 30, 1:30 AM - Need sleep. Can't sleep. Everytime a dog barks outside, our dogs bark because the windows are open. This repeats every 30 minutes. Dog barks outside, our dogs bark---OVER AND OVER AND OVER.

Friday, September 30, 3:30 AM - Call power company again. Woman who sounds like a skittish cat lets me know that there is damage to an underground line and they HAVE NO IDEA HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE TO REPAIR IT.

Friday, September 30, 4:30 AM - Vow to never get another dog.

Friday, September 30, 4:35 AM - Vow to find the person who makes their dog stay outside.

Friday, September 30, 7:00 AM - Call in to work. Can't see anything in the house, don't think I can get ready in the dark. I was only going in for a half day anyway.

Friday, September 30, 8:30 AM - Take car to get oil change and inspection. Husband takes dogs to the kennel.

Friday, September 30, 10:30 AM - Return home, still no power, clothes still in the washer/dryer. Things in freezer starting to leak. Starting to get uncomfortably warm. Power company estimates another 4-6 hours until power issue resolved. Holy hell, it's hot.

Friday, September 30, 10:34 AM - Vow to leave this humid, godforsaken hell hole.

Okay, I'll spare you the blow by blow from now on. I realize we have it pretty good. Long story short, we had to throw out all the food in the fridge and freezer, and the power came back on about 1:30 PM on Friday. We finished the laundry and left for our trip. We had a fabulous time in Ruidoso, NM. It was in the 60s and no humidity. I want to move there. It is so quaint and lovely. We didn't have internet access, so I couldn't blog or check y'all's blogs, which was a good thing (no offense to you, but we felt removed from the world and it was a great feeling).

I'll post some pictures tonight! It's good to be back!